late

on my flight from korea
i watched riceboy sleeps

and i cried suddenly

immediately

on the screen nothing
significant happened.
even though
all of it was

in a lot of ways i knew simon.
and i thought about my mom too
lately. too late. and too later.
like david

i didn’t suddenly cry.
i finally cried.

what does it mean to understand yourself
so much and so little all at once?
time flies so fast.
i said that when i was six.

when ocean vuong said men understand themselves
through a lexicon of violence. it connected.
like hands and rice spoons.

“you are allowed to cry three times.”

that sounded so familiar but i don’t think
anyone ever said that to me. so strange.
the things we teach ourselves.

i am a small person. ssab said i endured the tattoo well.
i was proud. and i thought about tolerance. for trauma.
and understood our difference. i accepted it.
is that why hyung is so reactive?

i just remembered. on the bus to the airport
i wanted to live here. for a second. like a phone charger
bumping in the dark.
and the mountains without names.
would have names.

i liked the way the movie ended.
when she cried out in the mountains
when it was silent
a song began
and no one else but her son could hear her.

it was like that time in the dormitory lounge.
it was snowing then too
and only i could hear her.